In honor of my friend, Ralph.
5. Funny story. I have another patient with your same name.
4. Now there's something you don't see everyday.
3. OK. Jump on the scale.
2. Wow, you're only 55!
1. What do you know about catheters?
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
President Hinckley's Last Words
The following are the last words of President Gordon B. Hinckley, 15th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Literally they are the last few sentences of each of the remarks he offered in the 2007 General Conferences and Young Women Meeting. They are presented in chronologic order from his opening remarks in April to his final words in October.
Dedicatory Prayer
O God, our Eternal Father, with bowed heads we come before Thee in reverence on this historic occasion. We are met in this great Tabernacle, now renovated and refurbished after more than a century of use.
Acting in the authority of the holy priesthood and in the name of Jesus Christ, we dedicate, rededicate, and consecrate this, the Salt Lake Tabernacle, to Thee and to Thy Beloved Son, that through many years yet to come it may serve as a place where Thy people may gather for many reasons.
As we contemplate this occasion, our thoughts return to the Prophet Joseph, who was an instrument in Thy hands in restoring the eternal gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ with all of the gifts and authority and blessings that accompany this.
We thank Thee for the great faith of our people who were driven from Nauvoo, and who, with great suffering, including the death of many, crossed Iowa to establish Winter Quarters and subsequently undertook the long march which carried them from Winter Quarters to this valley of the Great Salt Lake.
We thank Thee for the inspired leadership of President Brigham Young, who, having never previously seen this valley, except in vision, led our people here. He knew very little about the area. He was not familiar with the soil or the climate, the water or other features. In this desert place those pioneers plowed and planted, irrigated, cultivated, and harvested the fruits of their labors. They laid out a city, which has now become large with many hundreds of thousands of inhabitants.
At one time most of the Latter-day Saints lived here in this valley and in other surrounding areas where settlements were established. Now, Thy work has grown and spread over the earth until we have more members outside of this nation than we have in it.
Dear Father, please continue to prosper Thy work. Cause it to increase and grow. Bless the people as they contribute of their tithes and offerings to make possible its growth and spread. May it go forth and fill the whole earth as the stone which was cut out of the mountain without hands was destined to roll forth and fill the earth. Wilt Thou raise up strong leaders through the generations to come, and may Thy people rejoice and find great happiness in their service in Thy work.
Accordingly, we dedicate, rededicate, and consecrate this sacred structure, and all of this we do and ask in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Now, my dear brethren, may the Lord bless you. To you boys I say, get on with your education. When you marry, yours will be the obligation to provide for your family. The world of opportunity lies ahead of you, and education is the key that will unlock that door. It will be the door of the mansion of which Joseph F. Smith dreamed when he was a boy sleeping on a mountain in Hawaii.
God bless you, my beloved brethren. Speak with the Lord in prayer. Cultivate kinship with Him. He is the Almighty, who has power to lift and help. I pray that it may be so in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I was recently told of a woman in Idaho Falls, a widow. Over a period of 15 years she acted as proxy in giving the temple endowment to 20,000 individuals in the Idaho Falls Idaho Temple. She completed her 20,000th endowment on a Friday and returned on Saturday to do five more. She passed away the following week.
Just think of what this one little woman did. She performed these vicarious endowments for as many people as are assembled in this Conference Center this morning. Think of the reception she must have received on the other side.
Now, my brothers and sisters, this is my testimony, which I solemnly bear before you.
God bless you, every one, you faithful Latter-day Saints. May there be peace and love in your homes and faith and prayer to guide you in all that you undertake is my humble prayer in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
May there be peace and harmony in your homes. Husbands, love and treasure your wives. They are your most precious possessions. Wives, encourage and pray for your husbands. They need all the help they can get. Parents, treat your children with great kindness. They are the coming generation who will bring honor to your name.
Now, as we separate for a season, God bless you, my beloved associates. I so pray, as I say good-bye, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
If you will do these four things, [(1) pray, (2) study, (3) pay your tithing, and (4) attend your meetings.] I promise you that your lives will be fruitful, that your happiness will be great, and that your accomplishments will be tremendous and satisfying in every respect.May the Lord bless you, my dear young sisters; may His blessings attend you at all times and in all conditions. We love you. We pray for you. May heaven smile upon you, I humbly ask, in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
It appears that the sustaining has been unanimous in the affirmative. Thank you, brothers and sisters, for your continued sustaining faith and prayers. We shall now ask President Eyring and Elders Cook and González to take their designated seats.
Now, my dear brethren, in closing I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.
May the Lord bless you and inspire you to walk without anger, without bitterness of any kind, but to reach out to others with expressions of friendship, appreciation, and love. This is my humble prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
To you, this day, I affirm my witness of the calling of the Prophet Joseph, of his works, of the sealing of his testimony with his blood as a martyr to the eternal truth. Each of you can bear witness of the same thing. You and I are faced with the stark question of accepting the truth of the First Vision and that which followed it. On the question of its reality lies the very validity of this Church. If it is the truth, and I testify that it is, then the work in which we are engaged is the most important work on the earth.
I leave with you my testimony of the truth of these things, and I invoke the blessings of heaven upon you. May the windows of heaven be opened and blessings showered upon you as the Lord has promised. Never forget that this was His promise and that He has the power and the capacity to see that it is fulfilled. I so pray as I leave my blessing and love with you in the sacred name of our Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.
Now the conference is adjourned for six months. We look forward to seeing you again next April. I’m 97, but I hope I’m going to make it. May the blessings of heaven attend you in the meantime is our humble and sincere prayer in the name of our Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. October 2007
Dedicatory Prayer
O God, our Eternal Father, with bowed heads we come before Thee in reverence on this historic occasion. We are met in this great Tabernacle, now renovated and refurbished after more than a century of use.
Acting in the authority of the holy priesthood and in the name of Jesus Christ, we dedicate, rededicate, and consecrate this, the Salt Lake Tabernacle, to Thee and to Thy Beloved Son, that through many years yet to come it may serve as a place where Thy people may gather for many reasons.
As we contemplate this occasion, our thoughts return to the Prophet Joseph, who was an instrument in Thy hands in restoring the eternal gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ with all of the gifts and authority and blessings that accompany this.
We thank Thee for the great faith of our people who were driven from Nauvoo, and who, with great suffering, including the death of many, crossed Iowa to establish Winter Quarters and subsequently undertook the long march which carried them from Winter Quarters to this valley of the Great Salt Lake.
We thank Thee for the inspired leadership of President Brigham Young, who, having never previously seen this valley, except in vision, led our people here. He knew very little about the area. He was not familiar with the soil or the climate, the water or other features. In this desert place those pioneers plowed and planted, irrigated, cultivated, and harvested the fruits of their labors. They laid out a city, which has now become large with many hundreds of thousands of inhabitants.
At one time most of the Latter-day Saints lived here in this valley and in other surrounding areas where settlements were established. Now, Thy work has grown and spread over the earth until we have more members outside of this nation than we have in it.
Dear Father, please continue to prosper Thy work. Cause it to increase and grow. Bless the people as they contribute of their tithes and offerings to make possible its growth and spread. May it go forth and fill the whole earth as the stone which was cut out of the mountain without hands was destined to roll forth and fill the earth. Wilt Thou raise up strong leaders through the generations to come, and may Thy people rejoice and find great happiness in their service in Thy work.
Accordingly, we dedicate, rededicate, and consecrate this sacred structure, and all of this we do and ask in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Now, my dear brethren, may the Lord bless you. To you boys I say, get on with your education. When you marry, yours will be the obligation to provide for your family. The world of opportunity lies ahead of you, and education is the key that will unlock that door. It will be the door of the mansion of which Joseph F. Smith dreamed when he was a boy sleeping on a mountain in Hawaii.
God bless you, my beloved brethren. Speak with the Lord in prayer. Cultivate kinship with Him. He is the Almighty, who has power to lift and help. I pray that it may be so in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
I was recently told of a woman in Idaho Falls, a widow. Over a period of 15 years she acted as proxy in giving the temple endowment to 20,000 individuals in the Idaho Falls Idaho Temple. She completed her 20,000th endowment on a Friday and returned on Saturday to do five more. She passed away the following week.
Just think of what this one little woman did. She performed these vicarious endowments for as many people as are assembled in this Conference Center this morning. Think of the reception she must have received on the other side.
Now, my brothers and sisters, this is my testimony, which I solemnly bear before you.
God bless you, every one, you faithful Latter-day Saints. May there be peace and love in your homes and faith and prayer to guide you in all that you undertake is my humble prayer in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
May there be peace and harmony in your homes. Husbands, love and treasure your wives. They are your most precious possessions. Wives, encourage and pray for your husbands. They need all the help they can get. Parents, treat your children with great kindness. They are the coming generation who will bring honor to your name.
Now, as we separate for a season, God bless you, my beloved associates. I so pray, as I say good-bye, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
If you will do these four things, [(1) pray, (2) study, (3) pay your tithing, and (4) attend your meetings.] I promise you that your lives will be fruitful, that your happiness will be great, and that your accomplishments will be tremendous and satisfying in every respect.May the Lord bless you, my dear young sisters; may His blessings attend you at all times and in all conditions. We love you. We pray for you. May heaven smile upon you, I humbly ask, in the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.
It appears that the sustaining has been unanimous in the affirmative. Thank you, brothers and sisters, for your continued sustaining faith and prayers. We shall now ask President Eyring and Elders Cook and González to take their designated seats.
Now, my dear brethren, in closing I plead with you to control your tempers, to put a smile upon your faces, which will erase anger; speak out with words of love and peace, appreciation, and respect. If you will do this, your lives will be without regret. Your marriages and family relationships will be preserved. You will be much happier. You will do greater good. You will feel a sense of peace that will be wonderful.
May the Lord bless you and inspire you to walk without anger, without bitterness of any kind, but to reach out to others with expressions of friendship, appreciation, and love. This is my humble prayer, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
To you, this day, I affirm my witness of the calling of the Prophet Joseph, of his works, of the sealing of his testimony with his blood as a martyr to the eternal truth. Each of you can bear witness of the same thing. You and I are faced with the stark question of accepting the truth of the First Vision and that which followed it. On the question of its reality lies the very validity of this Church. If it is the truth, and I testify that it is, then the work in which we are engaged is the most important work on the earth.
I leave with you my testimony of the truth of these things, and I invoke the blessings of heaven upon you. May the windows of heaven be opened and blessings showered upon you as the Lord has promised. Never forget that this was His promise and that He has the power and the capacity to see that it is fulfilled. I so pray as I leave my blessing and love with you in the sacred name of our Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen.
Now the conference is adjourned for six months. We look forward to seeing you again next April. I’m 97, but I hope I’m going to make it. May the blessings of heaven attend you in the meantime is our humble and sincere prayer in the name of our Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ, amen. October 2007
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Top Ten Things Overheard in the New Arrivals Lounge in the After Life..
10. "Excuse me, er, is there a bathroom?"
9. "What time is lunch?"
8. "It's usually crowded like this because people bring a lot of baggage with them."
7. "It's me again, uh, do we need a bathroom?"
6. "Why is the Book of Mormon attached to each of the bibles?"
5. "Lunch is at two and don't forget to try the Celestial Cheesecake. It's to die for. Really."
4. "Is it just me or does it seem a little warm in here for Heaven?"
3. "No really, who pulled the strings to make 'Napoleon Dynamite' a hit?"
2. "Over there? Oh yeah, that's hell. They play an endless game of 'Chutes and Ladders'. Without the ladders."
1. "Here's your new home teaching assignment.
9. "What time is lunch?"
8. "It's usually crowded like this because people bring a lot of baggage with them."
7. "It's me again, uh, do we need a bathroom?"
6. "Why is the Book of Mormon attached to each of the bibles?"
5. "Lunch is at two and don't forget to try the Celestial Cheesecake. It's to die for. Really."
4. "Is it just me or does it seem a little warm in here for Heaven?"
3. "No really, who pulled the strings to make 'Napoleon Dynamite' a hit?"
2. "Over there? Oh yeah, that's hell. They play an endless game of 'Chutes and Ladders'. Without the ladders."
1. "Here's your new home teaching assignment.
Monday, January 21, 2008
How do you pronounce Puyallup to out of towners?
Pew wallup
Pew hallup
Pew Halibut
Pew Whassup
Pew Nut’n whassup with you
Tacoma without the “coma”
Suburb of Sumner
South Hill
Orting (after the Lehar washes it downstream)
P Town
Pew hallup
Pew Halibut
Pew Whassup
Pew Nut’n whassup with you
Tacoma without the “coma”
Suburb of Sumner
South Hill
Orting (after the Lehar washes it downstream)
P Town
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Top Ten Reasons to vote for Mitt Romney for President of the United States
10. No IRS audits on Family Home Evening Night.
9. First time for Green Jello salad to be served at Presidential Inauguration.
8. Nation's capitol moved to Rexburg.
7. Secret Service all have to get baptized.
6. Mormon Tabernacle Choir performs at Inauguration.
(Oh wait, they do that for all Republicans)
5. Treats from the White House kitchen when Brother Romney home teaches in December.
4. Cool Presidential Seal on Ward Bulletin Cover.
3. CTR sticker stuck to the tail of Air Force One.
2. New Cabinet Post: Home Family and Personal Enrichment Director
1. The Oath of Office is taken with his hand on the Quad.
9. First time for Green Jello salad to be served at Presidential Inauguration.
8. Nation's capitol moved to Rexburg.
7. Secret Service all have to get baptized.
6. Mormon Tabernacle Choir performs at Inauguration.
(Oh wait, they do that for all Republicans)
5. Treats from the White House kitchen when Brother Romney home teaches in December.
4. Cool Presidential Seal on Ward Bulletin Cover.
3. CTR sticker stuck to the tail of Air Force One.
2. New Cabinet Post: Home Family and Personal Enrichment Director
1. The Oath of Office is taken with his hand on the Quad.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Chickens
Why does a chicken coupe always have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
My thanks to Garrison Keillor for this joke. It appears in his Pretty Good Joke Book. It always makes me smile. Chickens, by nature, are both humorous and sinister. Two attributes that always seem to be present in my writing. Ergo the "ChickenSedan" Blog name.
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
My thanks to Garrison Keillor for this joke. It appears in his Pretty Good Joke Book. It always makes me smile. Chickens, by nature, are both humorous and sinister. Two attributes that always seem to be present in my writing. Ergo the "ChickenSedan" Blog name.
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