Why I love Opera!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vNReqUGtsc

Update on Fitness

For those of you who have been around for a while you will recall that I adopted the Paul McKenna system for weight management. It's been some time since I have reported on how it's going. Here's how it's going....

I got bored.

The results were that I stalled around the 295 mark and oscillated up and down a few pounds.

As I pondered the system I realized that the key concept is to devote exclusive time to eating. That is, you single task while eating. No TV, movies, newspaper, talking, etc. Well I will tell you that you have to have some extraordinary time committments to allow this process but more importantly you must be eating food that is just as extraordinary.

I ate and was bored.

I watched TV and was bored.

I read the paper and was bored.

I found that eating and watching/reading were an excellent combination to satisfy my active mind (read that ADD-though remember I was born when ADD didn't exist. In truth I am probably ADDDDDDDDD).

So I stalled; relapsed.

Sort of.

I remembered Paul McKenna's teaching that people will eat mindlessly until they are overfull. I came to know how much food it takes to really give me a comfortable feeling of fullness when I was engaged strictly to his process. Now I make sure that I only have that much food in front of me when I read the paper, watch a movie, etc. When I am done I don't feel overfull nor have I ingested more calories than I need.

Then I ran into the temple on Wednesday mornings and hit a snag. Basically I leave the house at 4:30am and don't have a chance to eat until 12:30pm. No brunch for the Wednesday AM workers. I was feeling a little hypoglycemic about 10:30am. So I adopted a new process.

The 100 calories per hour diet.

I maintain 100 calories per hour thoughout the day. A 16 hour day generates 1600 calories. 20 hour day; 2000 calories. And so on. If you're up and active for a longer time you get more fuel. Less active then less fuel.

On Wednesday I stoke up on a higher calorie breakfast than usual and it gets me through very well and I still maintain the 100 cal/hour balance.

I maintain the McKenna practice of avoiding mindless eating and so far so good.

Well see how it goes. Next report will be in 2009.

Good luck to all my friends of abundance.

The Election

We're all glad it's over.

That's pretty safe.

No one should be offended by that.

Stop reading if you offend easily.















OK.








I was ten years old when I last felt this optimistic about the world. John F. Kennedy was president and he made me feel that war could end, hunger could end, hatred could end. He led us to believe that if we wanted to we could walk on the moon before the end of the decade. We did, though he never saw it happen. I wonder what would have been possible had he chose war, hunger or hate instead of the moon as a target.

I live in a culture that screams at me that there can never be peace in the middle east. I am drowning in dogma that tells me that the Second Coming of Christ is near and these are the "end" of the last days ergo the turmoil in the middle east (and please read "turmoil" as "children dying from adults playing war") cannot end but "must" escalate until the "end of days".

But there is a fundamental problem with this concept. No one knows the hour when the Savior will come.

We hope that it is soon. Sometimes we hope so violently that people get hurt in the process. This hope has gone on for centuries.


Some notable rapture predictions include the following:
1792 - Shakers calculated this date.[citation needed]
1844 - William Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844, then revised his prediction, claiming to have miscalculated Scripture, to October 22, 1844. Miller's theology gave rise to the Advent movement.
1977 - William M. Branham prophesied that the Rapture would take place in 1977.[21]
1981 - Chuck Smith undogmatically predicted that Jesus would likely return by 1981.[citation needed]
1988 - Publication of 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988, by Edgar C. Whisenant.
1989 - Publication of The final shout: Rapture report 1989, by Edgar Whisenant. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years.

Posters placed in public locations around the New England area in 19921992 - Korean group "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture.[22]
1993 - Seven years before the year 2000. The rapture would have to start to allow for seven years of the Tribulation before the Return in 2000. Multiple predictions.
1994 - Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994. Radio evangelist Harold Camping predicted September 27, 1994.[23]
2011 - Harold Camping's revised prediction has May 21, 2011 as the date of the rapture.[24]
2060 - Sir Isaac Newton undogmatically proposed, based upon his calculations using figures from the book of Daniel, that the rapture could happen no earlier than 2060.[25

So what if the "rapture" doesn't come for another 600 years? Would it be OK if we lived in peace for a while until then? I mean to say, what if we devote our energies to providing food for the starving masses, harmony for the conflicted and happiness for the oppressed instead of gnashing our teeth about road side bombs?

So...let's take the next 100 years and learn to get along. Have peace for 400 years. Then let the whole thing collapse into Gog and Magog. My posterity can deal with it. Sorry kids.

How do we start? Taking the Gospel to the world would be a good start. We can do that right now in our own neighborhood. It must not end with the missionaries though, but rather with the temple. Our job is not to just introduce our friends to the Gospel but rather to the Temple.

It will take more than an ecclesiastical effort however. It will also take a political effort.

The United States of America is protected by a balance of power between the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches. Though we vote for the President who promises us to provide more services with lower taxes that is really not the president's job. The president is the Commander in Chief. He is the face of America to the world.

Congress passes the laws to operate our country within it's borders. The Supreme Court protects us from usury actions. The President is the one who protects us from the world. He is the one who can broker peace in the middle east.

Today the world looks at the USA as a bully who is willing to depose a world leader on the weakest of evidence. Not only depose but facilitate his execution. A bad man certainly but no worse than others around the world who don't happen to sit on a giant oil reserve.

We are hated. Yesterday we elected a president with no track record but also a president who is not connected to those past actions. The world is watching to see if we are serious about change. If we are, perhaps change is what we will achieve.

Will President Obama, with his disconnection to the current regime; his ethnicity; have a better chance of building relationships of trust in an untrusting world that John McCain. I hope so. He's the one in the Oval Office.

Back with Advice

Well, it's been a while...nevertheless I have words of wisdom.

"Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.

By then you're a mile a way and you've got his shoes."

Subway gets my vote!

Have you been to the Subway down by my office on East Main in Puyallup? The menu, colors, booths, even the aprons are the same as all of the other Subways around the world. But the people, ah that's where the differences arise.

My darling little Mallory is always there on Thursday and Friday. She keeps the tables spic and span (Okay--here's a little warning--sometimes the tables are a little moist after she's done with them. Just ask for a couple of napkins and they dry off nicely.) She's one of the kids that works there as a part of a special program from school. She lights up the room with her smile and her warmth.

Then there's the manager, who will remain nameless (as I wouldn't want to embarrass Kelly as she is very nice to me). She's there Monday and Tuesday and is worth the cost of a $5.00 sub. For an extra special adventure ask her about her special pizza--not to be believed.

Stop by and ask for my special sandwich: Anything with any ingredients but with one special difference. I ask them to hide one single jalapeno somewhere in the sandwich. On the busiest day they still stop the sandwich line and tell me to turn around so that I won't peak and see where they are hiding it. That usually gets a few sideways glances by the other sandwich shoppers. I don't know why it is but by the time I get to my seat and start eating I always forget about the pepper. It's always an interesting surprise.

I vote for Subway for my next lunch. Try it. You may fall under it's charms as well.

The Writer's Almanac

I have discovered a delicate little podcast called The Writer's Almanac featuring Garrison Keillor from Prairie Home Companion fame. It is a sweet little musing of the historical events of the day and a poem or two. It is all too brief in it's 5 minute life but starts my day with a warmth that softens my sharp corners.

The home page is: http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/podcast/

Scroll to the bottom for today's post.

Enjoy.

My family is growing

Have you heard about the new Church Family History site yet?

I spent an hour and a half in the family history center last night flirting with the librarian, (Diane not Jack though Jack is very nice and we did have some quality moments googling 1957 Pontiac Chieftans). I carry my family history on a flashdrive for moments like this so when the opportunity arose I signed onto the Church's newest web server and found out the first name of my Great Great Great Grandmother as well as being introduced to five more generations of my ancestors.

I have always been excited about my Scot/Irish heritage. This is on my mother's side. My dad had no idea where he came from (genealogically speaking).

So after checking out GGGG Esther Fairchild I starting clicking the arrow indicating more ancestors. Each click took me back another generation in family and time. After a few clicks I found myself in Connecticut in 1631. I was stunned of course but I had still not made the jump over "the pond" to the UK.

Then it happened. One of the Fairchilds was a merchant and was born in.....

OKay, now I'm looking for Dublin but instead I get.....

Andrew, Devon County, yes that's right....England.

Well....That was a stunner. The cool thing is that Devon is very close to Cornwall which is the Southwest tip of Great Britain. The reason for significant coolness is that the people of Cornwall created and maintain the cool pirate accent. Arrr! I'm sure my accent is a direct result of this genetic component. Arrr! Expect more such Arrr!s when next we meet.

So last night my family grew to twice it's former size. Did I mention that many of the new family members were submitted by distant cousins of mine? Many of them listed their email addresses so that I can communicate with them. How about that?

The new website is only available to family history workers, priesthood leaders and consultants within our temple district. It will come online for everyone in weeks. If this really floats your boat I can give you a tip.....there is an announcement for a training meeting that will occur on Saturday, June 28th at 2pm in the Puyallup South stake center for all of the above plus "Interested members". I bet you can get the info to log on if you attend.

It seems like only yesterday that I was getting a security clearance to go to the National Archives in Seattle to see the 1880 census and wondering how I would ever connect to my family. Then the "four generations" program was announced and we were promised that if we could find these four generations that the way would be opened to connect us to the rest of our family.

It would seem to have come to pass.

Doctrine or Falderal part two

Two more to bring the total doctrines to twelve. What do you think?
Justice
Sacrifice

Doctrine or Falderal

Elder David A. Bednar presided at our stake conference months prior to being called as an apostle. In the leadership session he taught that the Church operates under three layers. The layers are
Doctrine,
Principle, and
Practices.
It is important to note that the word doctrine is generally defined as "teachings" which could be applied to anything that is taught. For the purpose of this discussion let us define it, as Elder Bednar did, to be limited to those overarching elements that span these exigencies.

For example,
the "Practice" of ordaining 12 year old men to the office of a deacon is a function of
the "Principle" of Priesthood which is a function of
the "Doctrine" of the Divine Investiture of Authority.

Similarly,
the "Practice" of calling a sister to be the RS President is a function of
The "Principle" of Presidency which is a function of
the "Doctrine" of the Divine Investiture of Authority.

Occasionally we run into "Practices" that are not connected to any Principle or Doctrine. Some have been around for so long that they have achieved "Doctrine" status.

Can you cite the doctrine associated with these beliefs; "Practices"?

Moroni facing East on the Temples.
Taking the Sacrament with the Right hand.
"A call in the hall is no call at all"

He then said, almost as an aside, that there are far fewer "Doctrines" than we think. It is to this remark that I would comment.

I have spent significant time and energy studying, pondering and inquiring about
the number of real "Doctrines", as defined above, that exist.

I have found ten.

All of the "Principles" and "Practices" of the Church, as long as they are not falderal, fall under ten "Doctrines".

They are (not in any particular order):

The Nature of God
The Nature of Man
Obedience
Reverence
Divine Investiture of Authority
Chastity
Faith
Hope
Charity
Agency

Can you name another?
Can you cite a "Principle" or "Practice" that does not fall under any of these "Doctrines?"

Crime Fighter or Wacky Neighbor?

I want to be the Hero!

You can't!

Why not?

You're a dentist!

What?

You're a dentist.

Yeah, I got that but what does that have to do with anything?

What do you mean?

On TV. In the movies. I want to be a hero. I want to save the day. I want to appear out of nowhere with just the right moves, right words, right actions to defeat evil. It's never the dentist. The dentist is always the wacky neighbor. I want to be the hero.

But everyone hates you. You can't be the hero.

Everyone hates lawyers too. And I mean really hates lawyers. For example,

"You're in a room with Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler and a Lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

You shoot the lawyer twice."

You don't hear dentist jokes like that! So if lawyers can be heros so can dentists.

But you do painful procedures. You can't be the hero.

Have you ever heard of a Barium-Air Driven Enema? How about a catheter? Physicians can be heros. Why not me?

You're too imposing. People feel pressure when they are around you. They're uncomfortable.

You mean like when a policeman pulls you over on the freeway or when the fireman stops traffic to stick a boot in your face to collect money for their favorite charity? Do you think the police would allow me to drive a great big truck to an intersection, put on the flashers and then walk up and down in traffic begging for money? They get to be heros.

Sorry. No chance. You will have to be there when we need you. Fix our pain. Remind us to do better. Be ignored. Fix our pain. Remind us again. Give us free stuff. Get paid most of the time. Make us feel better. Apologize for not being able to fix the things that we've neglected. Rescue us whenever we call and face our indignation whenever the insurance company decides to not fulfill their implied committments.

You mean I have to be like a dad.

Right. And no whining.

(Ok, you can whine to your wife but never to us)

Do I have to pick up my underwear?

Only on Mother's Day.

OK. I can be a Dad. Dad's are heroes.

At least on Father's Day.

Loved or Liked--The final analysis.

I will begin with an apology. This topic was far too poignant to be addressed in this format.

Next let me thank those who participated in comment and survey. Your insights were extraordinary and have resulted in much deep pondering in the quiet dark hours at home, in the mindless moments in the car as well as in the light of the temple. I see no conflict in any of the responses. You are all correct.

It was suggested we needed a new word to describe this feeling of love/like we have for our dear ones. It reminded me of the following scriptural dissertation describing how the meaning of love was distorted as it was changed from the Greek to English:

First consider the meaning of the word love in John 21: 15-17 (KJV); "So when they had dined, Jesus saith to Simon Peter, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest (agapao) thou me more than these? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love (phileo) thee. He saith unto him, feed my lambs. {16} He saith to him again the second time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest (agapao) thou me? He saith unto him, Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love (phileo) thee. He saith unto him, Feed my sheep. {17} He saith unto him the third time, Simon, son of Jonas, lovest (phileo) thou me? Peter was grieved because he said unto him the third time, Lovest (phileo) thou me? And he said unto him, Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love (phileo) thee. Jesus saith unto him, Feed my sheep."
The original Greek work for love was inserted within the verses above. The Strong’s definition for agapao is to love in a social or moral sense (of the head). Phileo is a love for a friend or to have affection for someone (of the heart).
Why did Jesus use the word agapao in his question to Peter the first two times and phileo the last time? Why did Peter answer phileo all three times? Phileo carries the thought of action based on emotional or heart feelings for family or friends. The love Jesus expressed, which is the same as God’s, included a phileo love, but it was a higher type of love based on a true moral sense. Agapao is a love without a feeling of obligation. Jesus asked Peter to preach to the sheep (Israel) without requiring him to first love them.
Consider John 3: 16 (KJV), "For God so loved (agapao) the world, that He gave His only begotten son." Mankind, having fallen into sin (Romans 5: 12, 19) was disobedient and failed to love to do His will. The best that man could achieve was a phileo love for God. Yet, Christ’s love was
such as that it was fully obedient. (Romans 13: 10)
Additional usage of the word agapao is shown in the word love used in Matthew 5: 43-46. Also mankind’s love (phileo) was shown by the scribes in Luke 20: 46.
Finally consider love in Romans 12: 9, 10 (KJV), "Let love (agape, from the word agapao) be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. {10} Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love (philadelphia, fraternal or brotherly affection).
By reviewing the Greek word with its definition, a deeper and clearer understanding of the word love can be seen. To truly love God, we need to develop a higher level of love, an agape love.
(http://www.blessedbible.com/newsletters/ToKnowGod.pdf)

I love Diane. After 38 years I'm still discovering how.

Loved or Liked?

I know my wife loves me. I wonder if she likes me? I wonder if she likes me today? If I had the choice to be "loved" or to be "liked" I wonder what I would choose? What would I prefer to hear:
A. I love you but I don't like you.
B. I like you but I don't love you.

What would you want? Take the survey.

6 Quirks-Tag

1. The dislike the wearing of name tags.


This is a particularly egregious experience at seminars when the speaker looks down into the crowd and asks you a question by name. I really don't mind wearing a name tag to make it easier for people to remember my name in working situations like the temple (though I do get a kick out of watching the "head bob" when they check out your name whenever they start a conversation with you) however when I arrive at a seminar and there is a pretty young woman who is assisting people by writing their first names on the name tags in large bold letters I know what's coming. I usually change the spelling of my first name to XHPaul when I register. When she asks how it's pronounced I say "Paul" the X and H are not pronounced on this planet.
______________________________________

2. I love esoteric jokes.

Rene Descarte walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he's finished the bartender asks if he would like another. He replies, "I think not." and he disappears.

Why did the chicken cross the road? According to...

The Bible: And God said, "The Chicken shall cross the road." And they did so. And there was much rejoicing.
Albert Einstein: Did the Chicken cross the road or was the Road moved under the chicken?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

The traffic on Meridian is really bad. People usually get across. Jewish ones get a star.
________________________________________

3. I use words like "egregious" and "esoteric".


And don't think that I don't spell-check on Google before I use them online. I may be a verbal snob but I'm not that confident.

________________________________________

4. I cringe when we get too wrapped up in the "what we do" or the "how we do it" instead of the "why we do it."

________________________________________

5. I like Barry Manilow music.

________________________________________

6. I want to wear kilts.

________________________________________

Tag-Alaska Diamonds, Oregomm, HoneyGram and Papa, POGM

Listen to this after you've listened to What a Mom Would Say.

What a Mom Would Say.....

My Dogs are Barking!

My dogs are barking is an old time expression for sore feet. I suffer from this condition everytime I begin a new exercise regimen. Last week I learned two really cool things. First, Neovita can help me avoid plantar fasciitis and second, I exercise too much!

What?

That can't be right!?!

Well...I discovered that the difference in exercise between the typical thin person and the typical overweight person in only 2000 extra steps per day. That is the equivalent of a 15 minute walk.

My problem is that when I exercise I try to do too much, get hurt, burned out, run out of time, get frustrated because I don't know how to keep the balance of my life together and still find the 80-90 minutes a day it takes to:

Decide to go to the Gym



Change my clothes



Drive to the Gym



Exercise (for 30 minutes according to my MD, 60 minutes according to my trainer)



Drive home



Shower



Get dressed.





Oh, the other factor is that I don't have to walk for 15 straight minutes. It can be one or two minutes at a time rather than the required 30 minutes of aerobic exercise recommended by people who are in the business of selling aerobic exercise machines or those influenced by those who sell aerobic exercise machines.





15 minutes will ramp up the metabolism sufficent to help me become thin.





I'm now using the stairs in the temple instead of the escalator.





I'll let you know how it works in a year.

Warning: The following is a joke

On my way to work today I saw two guys trying to wrestle a purse away from an old lady. She was fighting them off pretty well so I hesitated to help, but after a bit decided to lend a hand. Sure enough, about five minutes later we were able to get the purse away from her.

Thank you Prairie Home Companion

Most of the jokes are stolen blatantly from

A Prairie Home Companion
Pretty Good Joke Book

with an introduction by Garrison Keillor

What.....

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?


Same middle names.

_______________________________

What's Irish and sits outside?


Patio Furniture.

_______________________________

What does a one legged ballerina wear?

A one-one.

_______________________________

What did the mommy buffalo say to her little boy when he went off to school?

Bison.

Taylor Marie Sheffer

Emily and pitocin

Emily and Shanhon are at Good Sam with a Pitocin drip. She was 3cm last night and they called her in today for induction. As of Noon she was still breezing through the contractions.

Update via cell phone: As of 2:30pm she is pushing.

Update via cell phone: Oops. As of 2:30pm Taylor was born. 8.5lbs. .

A Panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. After finishing the sandwich he pulls out a gun, shoots the waiter and heads for the door. The bartender calls out, "Hey you can't just eat your sandwich, shoot the waiter and walk out without paying!"

"Sure I can," says the Panda, "I'm a Panda. Look it up."

So the bartender pulls out his dictionary and looks up Panda. It reads:

Panda: a marsulpial characterized with black and white markings; eats shoots and leaves.

Hi, I'm Alex Trebek and this is Jeopardy

I remember when Jeopardy was hosted by Art Fleming instead of Alex Trebek and a person had to stand behind the Jeopardy board and pull the cards manually. Ah, Jeopardy in its purest form (Hey when did its lose it's apostrophe?). I of course thought the concept dorky then but now that I am old it begins to appeal to me, like Sudoku.

Nevertheless my quirky spin is to move to something humorous.

So... the Jeopardy catagory today is Punchlines.

What jokes belong to these famous punchlines?

(And remember please frame it in the form of a question. Of course as in real Jeopardy there is no penalty if you don't because Alex will just remind you. But be aware, the other Jeopardy geeks will mock you and it will be a mocking that you won't soon forget!)

Let's Play Jeopardy!

A garbage truck.

Go to the Mooovies.

Because people are dying to get in!

Two oboes playing in unison.

The word is "Celebrate".

Under the Lone Ranger.

Lean Beef.

Ground Hog.

It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

I tell you, I just read these punchlines and I'm giggling without even thinking about the set up.

Ah, the Cheerio.

It's been wonderful being able to sit with my family at church.



I sat next to my 8 year old grandson Jerred last Sunday. I sit toward the middle of the pew (and you know I had to google "pew" to find out where it came from) with the children to my left (not an unimportant factoid).



Within moments Jerred had sprouted a clone from somewhere behind us. They knelt quietly playing with action figures shaped much like the monsters in my dreams following Indian Cuisine.



After singing, praying and the sacrament I noted that two more clones were appearing from below the pew in front of us. Soon there were four little boys fully engaged in saving the Earth below and to my left. Occasionally I would lean over and whisper to them to use their whisper voices and they would quiet down nicely.



Then sweet little J peeked over the top of the pew and I could see that he wanted to join in. I think he would have fit right in but at the critical moment he chose to stay with Mom, Dad, Grandma and sister.



We made sure that we sat reverently while we sang the hymns, prayed and received the sacrament. During preaching time we saved the world. I know my Amanda says that at 8 it's time to put the toys away. Emily thinks it's a little older. I think...well I didn't have any sons so I have no idea what to do except...



...when you take children to church make sure that they sit on your left side. Unless of course you've lost your hearing in your right ear. Then have them sit on your right side. I enjoyed the speakers and didn't hear a peep out of the boys.



I used the same technique as a bishop when I was told the stake presidency didn't want to see any food in the chapel during sacrament meeting. Recognizing how important Cheerios were to my children as well as Elder Ballards I let it be known that "I also didn't want to see any food in the chapel so if you have it, keep it out of sight." Then I didn't look.



Sometimes there are stripes that are worth taking.

Music to laugh by

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor.

---------

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."

----------

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?

Because there is no spit valve.

----------

When you play country music backwards you get your wife back, your dog back and your car back. What do you get when you play "new age" music backwards?

New Age Music.

I love Chicken. It tastes a lot like Rattlesnake.

I have been reminded recently to not take everything at face value. I asked Diane a question on temple work and her response began with, "as a rule of thumb you should...." My immediate response was, "well then what is the rule of the first finger?" We never got to the "pinky" but I'll bet it's a great rule.

So, with that introduction, here is the joke of the minute:

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
"Hmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what
is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure!...Just a second."

Harbor is more than just a noun

What comes to your mind when you think of the word "harbor"? Is it a place of refuge, safety, rest, security or calm? If you have been a mariner then all of these definitions ring true. I remember the comfort I felt piloting a boat through the mouth of a snug harbor leaving behind the tumultuous seas. It's especially poignant at night.

If harbor means a place of "goodness" then why do we treat it so callously when we use the word as a verb? It seems like the only thing we associate harbor with as a verb is from the "dark" side of life. We harbor grudges, ill will or fugitives. Well that is certainly out of place! "Harbor has no free will to decide how it will be used. It is innocent. Yet when it is used in connection with evil it becomes even more sinister adding a sense of betrayal to the meaning.

I suggest that we form the "Safe Harbor" society and begin using the verb harbor in a more positive light. For example,

"I'm going to harbor some cherry cheesecake."

"Are you harboring a birthday present for me?"

"Dude, you harbored an awesome move on your skateboard!"

Let's relegate grudges, ill will and fugitives to where they belong, the basement.

Right now I'm heading to Subway where I will ask my sandwich artist to harbor a single jalapeno in my "Veggie Delight" on Honey Oat bread.

No, not toasted but thanks for asking.

Fabulous Fitness Forum on Wednesday Night

We're going to have our next meeting on Wednesday, April 16th at 7:30pm at my house. See you there!

Update on Kevin

Some of you may remember my friend Kevin and wondered what he was doing these days. I recently communicated with his family and learned that the shy and retiring computer expert has expanded his horizons. After a brief stint with the CIA he went on to dancing with the stars and though he and Robin Williams didn't make the finals he left an indelible mark on Paula Abdul.

Have you read "The Kite Runner"?

One of my literary mentors suggested "The Kite Runner". Any insights?

You want Swing? You can't handle Swing!

The Carpenters.

Louis Prima and Keely Smith.

The Yin and Yang of Music.

Compare "Close to You" with "That Old Black Magic". Oooh baby.

Ah, the Limerick

"My Kevin"

There once was a big boy named Kevin,

whose Sister and he were just seven.

He smiled so bright,

He was Grandpa's delight.

When you hugged him it felt just like heaven.

"My Natalie"

There once was a girl with a smile

As wide as a cute Crocodile.

Natalie was her name,

A missing tooth was her fame.

But her heart was as big as a mile.

Poet Tree-Haiku

Today is an homage to the Haiku.

Three lines.
Five syllables.
Seven syllables.
Five syllables.

"General Conference 2008"

April brings new life

Promises of Spring, hope, peace

And a new prophet

Much appreciation to Rebecca for her contribution:

I once got a Hiaku published in the fifth grade.

"Birds sing endlessly

My heart dances to the tune

While I am silent"

I remember writing it and thinking about the hiaku movie we were shown wiht all this water dripping on leaves and stuff, and I tried to get really deep even though I was really only in 5th grade and if I'd been honest wiht my poem it would have read somthing like this:

"Josh is super cute

Someday I will marry him

He'd sure be lucky"

I knew the teacher liked the birds bit better, and boy did she. I think Josh might have been a little impressed as well becaue I think he threw rocks at me on the way home from school that day. My mom told me that was flirting. I totally loved it when he threw rocks at me after that.

Poet Tree-trochaic monometer

We're introducing a new segment on the show that we like to call the Poet Tree. There is a weather worn little tree just down the road from my office between the railroad tracks and Traffic Avenue; just South of the Hwy 410 westbound onramp. In the warm summers of my early forties I would sit beneath it's shade and read poetry. Browning, Dickinson, Nash, Poe, Smith, McConkie, Hinckley, Isaiah and Longfellow would sit with me and we would share our deepest thoughts and our sanity would be restored.

I invite my new friends to share their favorite poems, original or not.

Today is "trochaic monometer" day.

"Lines on the Antiquity of Microbes"

by Strickland Gillilan (1869-1954)

Adopted title: "Fleas"

-

Adam

Had'em

-

Note the single meter in each line (monometer) and the two syallable meter with the emphasis on the first syllable (trochee). Mr. Gillilan is credited with the world's shortest couplet. As the definitions of poetic form do not include one syllable poems my offering does not qualify to compete though it is short.

"The Dieter's Delight"

by Paul W. Bryan

Adopted title: "Fifty Two Stout"

-

It

Fit

-

Here kitty, kitty.

I love cats, really,,,,,,,


especially with fettucini noodles.

That's my patient's story-sort of

A patient came in today announcing that her son is now 6 foot 3 and a half inches tall and is still growing. She then referenced an uncle who was 6 foot 10 inches when he died.

Being a smarty pants I asked, "How tall was he before he died?"

She didn't miss a beat....

"Oh he was only 5 foot 4 but then there was that nasty steam roller incident."

Goodbye Earl?????

What can I say? I have five daughters. There have been many Earl's in my life.

Typewriterering

In the old days our typewriters were manual and it took great fortitude to type out a term paper. Diane did all of mine.

I followed in my Dad's footsteps and took typing in high school. My Dad's claim to fame was his perfectionism. He was the slowest typer in class but the teacher always remarked, "And Albert had another perfect paper."

Key jams what they were I was only ever able to master 20 words per minute.

Oh Danny Boy

The story is told of the Irish father taking his son to the railway station to go off to war. He is an older father and some say that he had lost all of his other sons to this same conflict. As the other fathers wept and kissed their boys goodbye he could not, for he was not of that sort. He watched the train leave and on his way home the grief of saying goodbye to another son was too much. He recognized the loss and the ignorance of not being able to tell his boy he loved him. Some say Oh, Danny Boy are the words he penned to atone for his inability to express his love for a son he may never see again.

Triple F Meeting Report-Lions and Tigers and Conscious Eating, Oh my!

The Fabulous Fitness Forum met Wednesday evening and enjoyed the second episode of "I Can Make You Thin."

http://www.mckenna.com/

Pretty wild stuff. Those who have had a chance to try it say that it works. Time will tell.

The number one item of discussion was conscious eating. Comments include:

"It's not going to be as easy as it sounds."

"It's tough to put the fork down."

"I have to change my life routine."

"So...reading the paper at lunch and watching the tv while snacking are out for me. Boy is that a change. "

So here's a consensus of thought from last night:

1. I get full faster than I thought.

2. I can eat anything I want but I am becoming more discriminating about what I put in my mouth.

3. Last night I had pizza from Costco. Normally I would eat at least four pieces--two of my favorites, one of the odd one (normally Hawaiian) that Diane would get because I would worry that the poor pizza would feel rejected if I didn't have a slice and then back to my favorite for dessert. I knew that I would be full well before four slices so didn't complain when Diane only brought two. I was full with one. I felt a little hunger come on later but had a cold beverage and I was full again.

4. I've been cheating in the evening by having an herbal tea with a chocolate covered biscotti. I eat it upstairs with my sweetheart while we watch TV. I haven't felt guilty because it's only one and I can't just mindlessly eat once it's gone. Still, it violates the four golden rules. Last night I was fully intending to continue this habit but after applying the principles to help avoid emotional eathing I lost the desire. Hmm.

5. Anyone beside me go to the movies with a big tub of popcorn and become surprised that's it's all gone in the first 30 minutes? Talk about mindless eating.

6. I stayed up for 45 minutes after Diane. This is my usual "grazing" time. This time however I wasn't interested in sitting in front of the TV and eating. Instead I purged a file box that I've had since 1991. It seems that with the change of habit of eating at the table and putting my fork down between bites that I'm not as interested in the TV.

7. Back to the pizza. Conscious eating means that you begin to take more interest in the flavors of the food. Last night the slightly charred pepperoni on the pizza tasted rather bitter. It was not delicious at all. What a waste. Pizza is not as appealing as it once was.

So, I'm becoming more discerning about my activites because the food isn't there to distract me from the silliness of my entertainment choices and I'm more discerning in my food selection because I'm not distracted from the taste. The result is I'm more productive and losing weight.

I wonder if I will be able to keep it up? That really is the test. Stay tuned.

Ah Music!

And now my blog is complete!

Many thanks to Chris Pierce for steering me to the right source to help me fill this void.

Many thanks to Rebecca for being the right source.

How important is sleep?

High Blood Pressure

Diminished cognitive processes

Acid Reflux Disease

Diabetes

Obesity

Increased dental disease

Weariness

Sleepiness

Fatal Car Crashes

are all conditions associated with "Sleep Disturbance Disorder". Sleep Apnea is just one of the problems.

"60 Minutes" did a very fine presentation on the importance of sleep and "sleep disturbance disorders".

http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/60minutes/main3415.shtml click on more videos to access the report.

Next Fabulous Fitness Forum Meeting March 26th Wednesday at 7:30pm

Our first Triple F occured this morning and was wildly successful. We discussed "I Can Make You Thin" by Paul McKenna on The Discovery Channel. We covered the four golden rules to weight control. The show can be seen on TLC (Discovery) on Sunday evenings. There are five episodes and we're going to explore the science behind Mr. McKenna's claims.

His Golden Rules so far are:

1. When you're hungry, eat.

2. Eat what you like.

3. Consciously eat.

4. Stop when you're full.

He expands on these principles on the show and so far they pass the test of credibility. The next show is on Emotional Eating. We'll watch it together at the next FFF meeting next Wednesday, March 26th, evening at 7:30pm at my house. If anyone wants to see the first episode give me a call.

Childhood Trauma

I was reflecting today on childhood traumas. The most striking was of course the "Farmer in the Dell." This demonic exercise devised no doubt from the netherworld was fraught with pain. It begins with the Saddam like tyrant that we all referred to as "The Teacher".

(Note: my apologies to the little girls who remember these experiences with great joy and went on the emulate "The Teacher" as their model of womanhood but who, for little boys, became the object of pain and anguish--particularly in eighth grade--but that is a blog for another day).

"The Teacher" arbitrarily selects one to become "The Farmer". Total power and control. They and they alone will pick "The Wife". The children, hand in hand (and don't think that's not traumatic for a little boy) parade around the "The Farmer" chanting the mantra that we are all so familiar with-"The farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell...." Then comes the time to choose. The music stops. The children freeze in anticipation. "The Farmer" hesitates, drawing out his control of the world. Nothing can happen until "The Farmer" chooses. Then finally "The Wife" is selected. If "The Farmer" selects a girl then he is exposing himself to ridicule by his fellow larvae. If he selects a boy then he is safe but the little boy becomes marked for life as "The Wife". This may be the cause of same gender attraction. Hmm?

So the scarring begins. Next we move through the phylogenic order--"The Child", "The Dog", "The Cat", "The Mouse", until we come to the end of the pecking order. The least of these my brethren. "The Cheese." As a fitting punishment for this dreg of society he is shunned and abandoned, for indeed, "The Cheese" stands alone. But there is a glimmer of hope. If there is a next round then "The Cheese" becomes "The Farmer" and regains all that was lost and becomes omnipotent. Like the Phoenix rising from the ashes "The Cheese" may become the master of his destiny. But there is an obstacle, "The Teacher."

Please note that "The Cheese" is always a boy. Is this because in the 1950's all farmers were, indeed, men or was it that the teachers were all women and took this opportunity to exercise retribution on the male population that was now under their total control? Yeah.....both.


"The Cheese" looks desperately at the clock to see how much time is left in play time, but remembers, in anguish, that he can't tell time for he is in kindergarten and has yet to be given the paper plate, paper fastener and two clock hands that would give him the power of time.

Instead he focuses on "The Teacher" pleading in his little boy's heart, "oh please, oh please, don't let me die as 'The Cheese.'" Remaining the cheese for the rest of the day only brings pain both emotional and physical as the other little boys rain a continuous series of karate chops upon his person while wailing "I cut 'The Cheese-I cut 'The Cheese.'"

"The Teacher" looks at him. Their eyes lock and he knows his life, as he knows it, has come to an end.

Oh the horror.

We Must Stop Dieting!

It was suggested to me that Shari's might not be the healthiest place in the world to meet for a group of people wanting to become fit. Let me offer a portion of a recent email as a response. The question that prompted the email was, "Does this mean 'no Easter candy?'"

"No Easter Candy?" is a very good question. The answer is a simple one but not obvious. The answer is yes. You may eat Easter Candy. Just don't eat ALL of the Easter candy.

Ask yourself, "Am I an unfit person in an unfit body or a fit person in an unfit body?" What would a fit person eat? Again this is a trick question. Only fat people diet. Only fat people have to do without. Only fat people suffer. Only fat people have to do feel deprived.

Thin people eat whatever they want and never get fat. So watch a thin person eat. They eat a whole chocolate marshmellow bunny. Then they walk to the mall to get another one because it tasted so good. They may even wear ankle weights for the walk. They may even walk at three and a half miles an hour pace. By the time they get to the mall they may have lost their craving for a chocolate bunny and have a cup of Madagascar Red Herb Drink and half a biscotti instead.


WE MUST STOP DIETING AND EXERCISING--THAT IS FOR UNFIT PEOPLE. Instead we must live the lifestyle we love-lots of adventure and activities--too many fun activities to waste our time in a sedentary life style.That's why it's important to start at Shari's. No one considers Shari's a nutritional place to eat. Dieters will never go there. It will be the beginning of our fit life and the end of thinking that we need to diet.

The scriptures say, "As a man thinketh, so is he." If we see ourselves as fit it's only a matter of time before we are.

Tip From South Beach

http://www.southbeachdiet.com/sbd/publicsite/dailydish/dd_20080321.aspx

Here's a tip from the South Beach Website:

1. Give your child a healthy Easter basket. Replace some of the typical sugary treats with an assortment of fresh or dried (no-sugar-added) fruits, nuts, and whole-grain bite-size crackers. Pastel-colored hard-boiled eggs are also a good choice. Another option: Start a nonfood tradition and fill the Easter basket with stickers and other age-appropriate trinkets.


2. Enjoy a sugar-free substitute. When your kids are gobbling down their Easter treats, satisfy your sweet tooth with a sugar-free alternative. Some to try: sugar-free hard candies, sugar-free bubble gum, or even a no-sugar-added fudge pop. As always, limit sweet treats to 75 to 100 calories per day.


3. Allow yourself a bit of dark chocolate. A small amount of dark chocolate is a deliciously decadent, yet surprisingly healthy indulgence. According to emerging research, dark chocolate contains antioxidants known as flavonoids, which have been shown to lower blood pressure in healthy individuals. Plus, dark chocolate contains the minerals magnesium and copper, which may help improve cardiovascular health. So, treat yourself to a small piece of dark chocolate (egg-shaped or otherwise!).

Like Stink on a Gorilla

Here's the challenge for the day: Comparative Action Metaphors

Diane: "Hey Paul, can you help me finish my dessert?"

Paul: "I'm on it like ____________________"

stink on a gorilla.

Crest on a toothbrush.

orange on a cheetoh.

Oprah on "smelt night" at the Old Country Buffet.

a puppy at a fire hydrant factory.

William Shatner at a "ham fest"

glaze on a Krispy Kreme.

rust on my Jeep.

Sylvester Stallone on steroids.

Any others????

Joseph Smith Photo Update

KSL published a pretty good article on the Joseph Smith Photo. Is it him? Maybe, Maybe not. Read the article for yourself.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=2878046

Fabulous Fitness Forum Formed

Come join the forum. It's for men and women. Fit or unfit. Go at your own pace.

Many thanks to Emily Marttala for reminding me that I am going to climb High Rock this Summer. She has inspired me to form the Fabulous Fitness Forum to help me achieve my goal. Our first meeting (all invited) will be at Shari's Restaurant near Top Foods at 9am on Saturday morning. There is no charge to become a member of the forum except for any breakfast you may enjoy. We will discuss various strategies on fitness and happiness. Our discussions will start promptly at 9am.

Two requirements to join.

1. Medical approval to participate (honor code).

2. You have to walk (or bike) to the meeting location (rain or shine-dress appropriately). (Kids in strollers, OK) (Kayaks, OK but the asphalt is tough on the hull).

Oooh, I know!

It's 2.5 miles for me. 5 miles round trip.

Now for some that would not be prudent, reasonable or healthy. However there is nothing to stop us from driving part way and walking the rest (even if it means parking at Lowe's hardware and walking through the parking lot). I am likely to drive half way and plan a three mile walk instead of a five mile walk.

Always, always, always, walk with a partner. You can alternate. This week drive to their house and walk from there. Next week they can come to your house.

(Are you falling into the trap that I am? That is, always planning to drive to their house because it's closer to the restaurant? That suggests to the mind that I am not capable of walking the longer distance; that it is beyond my ability to sustain. Poppycock. Rubbish. To be sure we should be prudent and walk as much as our body will allow but we should remember that we are capable of walking from Nauvoo to Salt Lake City.

More to this point. I was asked if I could speak Russian. I assured the interrogator that I can speak Russian, French, Japanese, German, Spanish, Guarani and Portugese. It's just that I haven't learned them yet. Can I walk five miles? Yes, emphatically yes. Is it prudent to do so yet? Perhaps not. I'll start with three and move up to five.

So....see you there.

Watch the BLOG for updates on our next meeting, (usually weekly), and location. Our final August meeting will be at the top of High Rock.

Joseph Smith Photo Update

Here's the update on the photo below thanks to Amanda.

http://josephsmithpainting.com/reasearch.html

So, here is the internet rumor: This photo is of Joseph Smith around the Liberty Jail time. Still waiting for confirmation.

Guardian Angel-Chapter One-Part Three

Darius rolled over on his side to reduce the pain in his lower back from the industrial strength mattress he had been sleeping on. He had no complaints about the accommodations; firm mattresses always left him with a sense of sciatica after eight hours. He hadn’t picked the Best Western River’s Edge Hotel for the mattresses or the amenities. His selection was dictated by the business mantra, “location, location, location”. The River’s Edge was located between the bend of the Green River near the dump site of many of the Green River Killer’s victims and the remains of the historic Longacres Horse Racing Track. The latter was now just a derelict, being encroached on by the spreading Boeing Aircraft Company. There was something poetic about a hotel sandwiched between murder and gambling that appealed to his inner man. Still these details were a mere aside compared to the main plot, that is, the sharp bend to the Northwest that the Burlington Northern line takes just across the rode from the hotel.

He had reserved this particular room on the upper floor for the unimpeded view of the rail line just across the road and the empty parking area that would provide the perfect catch basin for the box cars, flat cars, plywood and gypsum products that would be hurled off the tracks by the momentum of the runaway freight train at the precarious turn. The cherry on the top of this catastrophic sundae was that the entire wreck would be at the base of Interstate 405, one of the busiest highways in the state right at the zenith of the morning rush hour. The “gapers block” would be magnificent. The dismay, anger, subsequent disciplinary actions for tardy employees would create a sense of rage that would be palpable throughout the region. And no one would be injured.

This last notion was of particular interest to him. Maximum rage and enmity was always the target. Anything that would elevate pride, such as war, road rage, etc., is of value whereas deaths were always humbling and often of little value. The last runaway he was involved with ran from Tumwater to Olympia exceeding 60 miles per hour. It had run through the dead end at the station, through the rear wall and out the front wall extending four blocks into the main city of Washington State’s capitol. Up to that point it was a flawless prank. Then the bodies were discovered. The railroad station telegrapher’s body was found in the attic of a building across the street. There were 15 others hospitalized for their injuries. That was in 1959. He still felt regret. Death had a purpose and when done with proper timing was very fulfilling. Accidental deaths like these were just sloppy work.

As he pondered the aftermath of the ’59 crash from his bed he noted that the Sun had cleared the crest of the Cascade Mountains and was lighting his room with more than just a promise of dawn. Then he realized something was missing. Where were the sirens? A derailment of this proportion should have woken him. If not the crash then certainly the sirens of the emergency vehicles would have ripped him from slumber. He threw off the covers and was at the window in two strides. He threw open the sheer curtains and stood there in awe.

It was a magnificent day. The kind of day the makes Northwesterners glad to live here. The snow capped Cascade mountains in the distance on a base of verdant green forests supported a flawless blue sky. The only thing missing was a train. Traffic along 405 was brisk and unencumbered. Thousands of happy commuters smiling and graciously allowing others to merge at will. It was pathetic.

In seconds he was past the elevator and bounding down the stairs three at a time. He blew through the lobby in nothing but black loafers and his pajama bottoms. Dodging cars on the frontage road he scrambled up the ballast slipping on the sharp rock not looking at his footing but rather to the North to see where the train must have gone. He saw nothing. It was only when he looked South did he spot the leading box car. It was two thousand feet down the tracks sitting behind a grove of trees that had obstructed his view from the hotel. He skipped from railroad tie to railroad tie until he stood looking up at the beast that he thought was going to disrupt the lives of so many.

He just stood there staring.

“Well that didn’t work out the way you planned,” a quiet voice intoned just to his left and outside of his peripheral vision.

“No it did not,” he reflected tipping his head slightly as he continued to look at the green Burlington Northern box car. He didn’t look at his visitor. He knew who it was. “Hello Horatio.”

“Hello Darius. It was the grade you know.” Horatio offered.

“The grade?”

“Yup. The elevation change was too subtle. It wasn’t steep enough,” Said Horatio.

“Oh but 900 tons, certainly just the inertia…” his voice trailed off because he knew he was wrong.

“Yeah,” he drawled, then abruptly added, “No.” Horatio added, “Not a chance. This baby rolled all the way from Auburn at 5 miles an hour. It was so slow that no one even noticed and”, he continued, “there was so little traffic that no one was even inconvenienced.” He put his hand on Darius’ shoulder. “Man you gotta get your act together. This was another total bust.”

Darius knew he was right. This was just another flub in a long string of flubs.

“Nice duds by the way,” Horatio smiled looking down at the contrast between the tassled loafers and the Spiderman pajamas.

“Oh yeah,” Darius said rubbing his arms recognizing the cold for the first time. He looked back, resignedly, at the near half mile walk back to the hotel. Then, abruptly he tensed and asked, “What time is it?”

“7:17am Pacific Daylight Time,” Horatio said looking at his vintage Timex.
“Oh mama!” said Darius and he was skittering down from the track and off through the trees to the road back to the hotel.

Next: Jessica

Ooohh, I've been tagged by http://honeygramandpapa.kay-family.org/

Tagged by Radar I make the following offerring.


What was I doing 10 yrs ago:

Stealing cars (OK it was just one and it really was my car so there was nothing illegal just a little dangerous) and hiding them at Kevin and Annette's house.

5 Things on my list of things to do today:

1. Finish Work. 2. Walk 1.5+ miles. 3. Post the next chapter part of my novella. 4. Finish my Sunday School lesson. 5. Go to bed early.

Things I would do if I suddenly was a Billionaire:

Two words--Hair plugs.

3 of my bad habits:

1. Wanting Hair plugs. 2. Laughing at Brian and Stewie. 3. Not being able to keep my mouth shut at the absurdities of life.

Places I have lived:

Portland, Oregon City, Seattle, Kent, Seattle, Sumner, Puyallup, St. Louis, Bonney Lake, Puyallup.

Things most people don't know about me:

Great kisser--no seriously--really--world class--possibly without peer--we're talking gold medal. Humble.

Diane, consider yourself tagged.

Guardian Angel-Chapter One-Part Two

He chuckled to himself as he considered the simplicity of it all. Simplicity really is the key to a good bit of evil. Great disasters don’t require great effort. Just a little wedge here and there will cause even the mightiest of walls to fall. The last wedge for this little project was in the form of one Richard McDaniel of Sumner Washington.

Richard is a member of a Burlington Northern Railroad Company switching crew. This morning Richard’s job was to park a section of train in the Auburn rail yard to await the arrival of the remainder of the train, engines and crew that would eventually take the train to Portland Oregon and beyond. There were 15 cars loaded with plywood and sheetrock weighing in at over 900 tons.

Parking a section of train is easy enough. Richard had done it hundreds of times. He would first close the air line that controls the air brake system so that when the train is uncoupled it won’t lose pressure. This will lock the train and keep it from moving.

Unfortunately for Burlington Northern and those downhill from the rail yard the air brakes will fail. Wedge number one occurred 26 months earlier when Darius encouraged a railroad maintenance worker to enjoy just one more of his favorite cold beverages as he mourned the loss of the Seattle Seahawks to the Pittsburgh Steelers in Superbowl XL. One more led to another and the resulting morning after made it a very easy decision to patch together a faulty airline instead of repairing it properly.

Next Richard would push the lever lifting the pin that locks the knuckles between cars allowing them to open and the parent train to move off to unknown destinations. Finally he would set the hand brakes. This was his system. He had not varied from it for 13 years. It was rote. He no longer even thought about it. It was automatic.

Then he felt the vibration of his cell phone.

Richard would have ignored the phone and continued his routine had the display not read “US Treasury Dep”. He froze as Darius knew he would. Richard tentatively opened the phone, “Hello?” he croaked.

“Mr. McDaniel this is special investigator Watson of the Internal Revenue Service,” Darius intoned in his most official voice, “Sir we understand that in the year 2007 you made some investments in Iranian banking through Dubai. Sir are you aware that there are some question as to the political nature of such investments and that they may fall under the province of Homeland Security?”

Richard was stunned. Wedge number two was his chance meeting with a bright and energetic young tax advisor at the Subway restaurant where he often had lunch. In between bites of his Cold Cut Combo he listened as his new friend, Darius, laid out the promises of tax credits, huge profits and the benefit to the United States of creating friendly relations with Iran. It was too good to be true.

“Sir, are you still there?”, Darius asked.

After a pause, “What, uh, yes I’m here,” Richard stammered.

“Sir, we’ve frozen all of your assets, seized your home, garnished your wages and Homeland Security is preparing to arrest your wife. I would suggest that you return home immediately so that we can straighten this out before they take her into custody.” Darius counted silently to himself. He estimated it would take 15 seconds for it all to settle in and Richard would be running to his car.

He was up to eight when he heard Richard’s panting voice, “I’m on my way,” he said the sound of rapid gravel spreading foot steps in the background.
Richard waved at his crew which they mistook as meaning “everything is secured” and they all left for the day leaving the train secured only by the air brakes which would fail at precisely 3:17 am and begin it’s runaway rampage toward Seattle with wedge number three properly placed.

Darius thanked the clerk for the use of the phone and left the “The US Treasury Depot”, just one of many quaint little shops lining the main street of Auburn where treasures of all kinds can be bought and sold on consignment. With a smile on his face he jumped into his 1984 Toyota Camry and drove to his vantage point with destiny.

Next: The Rampage

Guardian Angel-Chapter One-Part One

Darius was having a bad day. But then that’s the way it was supposed to be. Bad days were his stock in trade and today was going exceptionally well. He always enjoyed the moment when a task was complete and as today’s efforts were approaching their crescendo he began to bask in the warm glow of his achievements. There was no doubt that he took great pride in his accomplishments. Too much pride some would say but he paid little attention to those who would degrade his skill. In his opinion, which he esteemed with great reverence, his greatest skill was being bad. He was wrong about this assessment of course. In point of fact, in the world of mischief makers, he was really quite undistinguished and considered by many to be the most benign in the history of the world. To be candid, while his peers were excelling at creating catastrophes of epic proportion Darius’ efforts always fizzled and many even backfired.

He considered today’s effort, however, a triumph.

Next: Ghost Train

Keanu Reeves Shoes

Diane and I went to Famous Footwear Saturday night after I was released as the bishop of our ward. As we walked in a very nice young lady asked, "May I help you?"

"Yes," I said, "Is this Famous Footwear?"

"Yes it is," she said with a perky little voice reserved for shoe clerks at the South Hill Mall.

"Excellent!", said I, "Can you direct me to the shoes that Keanu Reeves has worn?"

She just stared at me.

I'm going to enjoy not being the bishop.

Thank You

Winter is coming to a close and Spring is teasing us with a hint of longer days and warmer weather. With each glimpse of blue in our beautiful northwest skies I feel grateful for the things around me.

As the bishop of the ward I have the opportunity to be grateful for things most others never see.

I am grateful:
For the green of the northwest.
For the safety we enjoy.
For chocolate.
I am grateful:
For youth who say no to themselves and yes to obedience.
For the members who have discovered family history work and are getting connected to their ancestors.
For the members who are startled to find themselves sharing the gospel with their friends.
For eight young people in foreign lands preaching the gospel.
For those who put their own lives on hold to serve in the military. And their families.
I am grateful:
For those who are fighting addictions and occasionally lose a battle here or there but return to the fight and are winning the war.
For the couples who don’t understand why they have friction but refuse to give up on each other.
For members who don’t come to church but still welcome home and visiting teachers for a visit.
For those who are beat down everyday but keep getting up to fight on.
For those who sin and repent.
I am grateful:
For the delight in the child’s eyes when they come to the bishop’s office with a ticket for a birthday surprise and find a candy bar waiting for them that I get to give them because the Primary made it possible.
For new basketball uniforms.
For ward leaders who could choose to do anything else but instead spend their time in countless meetings laboring for all of us.
For members who quietly go about serving others without fanfare.
I am grateful:
For counselors who have carried me so far.
For my life.
For my wife, my children, their sweethearts and my grandchildren.
For my Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ.
For all who have taken such sweet and tender care of me.
Thank you.

Fashion Tip

I was told that wearing darker colors will have a slimming effect.

I acquired some antimatter and created a Black Hole around me.

I'm looking good.

Guardian Angel

A novella.

PROLOGUE

And there was war in heaven:

Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angels, and prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven.

And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which decieveth the whole world:

He was cast out into the Earth, and his angels were cast out with him.

Revelation 12:7-9

Life is Potato Salad

As the semi-colon is my favorite punctuation mark, so the metaphor is my favorite rhetorical trope; guess who has been visiting wikipedia? I believe similes are for the weak minded and terrorists. That not withstanding, life really is potato salad.

What's in your recipe?

My wife is the potato. OK now you know why I don't let her know about my blog. Still, she is the center of my life. She gives it meaning. Without her my life would simply be tartar sauce. She is the substance of my life.

My children and grandchildren? Why the pickles of course. They keep things interesting. Sometimes they are sweet and sometimes they are dill. They keep me guessing.

Aside number one: When it comes to making food more interesting I ask the sandwich chef at Subway to put the works on my "Veggie Delight" and include one single jalepeno pepper that I ask to be hidden while I avert my eyes. It always seems to catch me by surprise.

The mayonnaise are the people in my life. When they are good, my life is good. When they are bad, I feel ill. The war in Iraq is an example of bad mayonnaise. So is Rap Music and "Sugar Free" Chocolate Syrup.

Aside number two: I believe that it should be illegal to put "sugar free" chocolate syrup in the same shape and color of bottle as the "real" stuff. Some poor idiot suffering from having his emotional eating panic button pushed could sneak into the kitchen with the lights off, take a huge swig and find a rather kerosene tainted fluid instead of the life saving elixir he desired. Disclaimer--I neither confirm nor deny having had this experience.

The mustard is the gospel. It provides the yellow color that President Monson is so fond of and allows me to see things in that perspective. It gives me purpose and hope.

The onion is me. When I'm a good old Walla Walla Sweet (Vidalia for you south of the Mason Dixon Line) then my life is perfect. When I'm an ornery old rotten onion, translate as sinful, then my potato salad falls into a catagory somewhere between barely tolerable to fatal.

Aside number three: I've made a ton, literally, of potato salad as a hash house cook. I have never tasted any better than Shane's Rib Shack in Tallahassee Florida.

So be careful what you put into your potato salad. Your choices can make you smile or make you burp.

Everything tastes like Bacon

http://www.baconsalt.com/

This concept has opened my mind up to so many possibilities.

Why stop with Bacon?

Why not Pizza? Chocolate Mousse? Chicken VinDaLoo?

Why stop with food? Here's a new approach:

"Bacon Salt: Everything tastes better if it tastes like Sir Francis Bacon! A new taste sensation!"