Hi, I'm Alex Trebek and this is Jeopardy

I remember when Jeopardy was hosted by Art Fleming instead of Alex Trebek and a person had to stand behind the Jeopardy board and pull the cards manually. Ah, Jeopardy in its purest form (Hey when did its lose it's apostrophe?). I of course thought the concept dorky then but now that I am old it begins to appeal to me, like Sudoku.

Nevertheless my quirky spin is to move to something humorous.

So... the Jeopardy catagory today is Punchlines.

What jokes belong to these famous punchlines?

(And remember please frame it in the form of a question. Of course as in real Jeopardy there is no penalty if you don't because Alex will just remind you. But be aware, the other Jeopardy geeks will mock you and it will be a mocking that you won't soon forget!)

Let's Play Jeopardy!

A garbage truck.

Go to the Mooovies.

Because people are dying to get in!

Two oboes playing in unison.

The word is "Celebrate".

Under the Lone Ranger.

Lean Beef.

Ground Hog.

It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

I tell you, I just read these punchlines and I'm giggling without even thinking about the set up.

Ah, the Cheerio.

It's been wonderful being able to sit with my family at church.



I sat next to my 8 year old grandson Jerred last Sunday. I sit toward the middle of the pew (and you know I had to google "pew" to find out where it came from) with the children to my left (not an unimportant factoid).



Within moments Jerred had sprouted a clone from somewhere behind us. They knelt quietly playing with action figures shaped much like the monsters in my dreams following Indian Cuisine.



After singing, praying and the sacrament I noted that two more clones were appearing from below the pew in front of us. Soon there were four little boys fully engaged in saving the Earth below and to my left. Occasionally I would lean over and whisper to them to use their whisper voices and they would quiet down nicely.



Then sweet little J peeked over the top of the pew and I could see that he wanted to join in. I think he would have fit right in but at the critical moment he chose to stay with Mom, Dad, Grandma and sister.



We made sure that we sat reverently while we sang the hymns, prayed and received the sacrament. During preaching time we saved the world. I know my Amanda says that at 8 it's time to put the toys away. Emily thinks it's a little older. I think...well I didn't have any sons so I have no idea what to do except...



...when you take children to church make sure that they sit on your left side. Unless of course you've lost your hearing in your right ear. Then have them sit on your right side. I enjoyed the speakers and didn't hear a peep out of the boys.



I used the same technique as a bishop when I was told the stake presidency didn't want to see any food in the chapel during sacrament meeting. Recognizing how important Cheerios were to my children as well as Elder Ballards I let it be known that "I also didn't want to see any food in the chapel so if you have it, keep it out of sight." Then I didn't look.



Sometimes there are stripes that are worth taking.

Music to laugh by

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor.

---------

The doorbell rang, and the lady of the house discovered a workman, complete with tool chest, on the front porch.
"Madam," he announced, "I'm the piano tuner."
The lady exclaimed, "Why, I didn't send for a piano tuner."
The man replied, "I know, but your neighbors did."

----------

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?

Because there is no spit valve.

----------

When you play country music backwards you get your wife back, your dog back and your car back. What do you get when you play "new age" music backwards?

New Age Music.

I love Chicken. It tastes a lot like Rattlesnake.

I have been reminded recently to not take everything at face value. I asked Diane a question on temple work and her response began with, "as a rule of thumb you should...." My immediate response was, "well then what is the rule of the first finger?" We never got to the "pinky" but I'll bet it's a great rule.

So, with that introduction, here is the joke of the minute:

A man was praying to God. He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
"Hmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what
is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God, can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure!...Just a second."

Harbor is more than just a noun

What comes to your mind when you think of the word "harbor"? Is it a place of refuge, safety, rest, security or calm? If you have been a mariner then all of these definitions ring true. I remember the comfort I felt piloting a boat through the mouth of a snug harbor leaving behind the tumultuous seas. It's especially poignant at night.

If harbor means a place of "goodness" then why do we treat it so callously when we use the word as a verb? It seems like the only thing we associate harbor with as a verb is from the "dark" side of life. We harbor grudges, ill will or fugitives. Well that is certainly out of place! "Harbor has no free will to decide how it will be used. It is innocent. Yet when it is used in connection with evil it becomes even more sinister adding a sense of betrayal to the meaning.

I suggest that we form the "Safe Harbor" society and begin using the verb harbor in a more positive light. For example,

"I'm going to harbor some cherry cheesecake."

"Are you harboring a birthday present for me?"

"Dude, you harbored an awesome move on your skateboard!"

Let's relegate grudges, ill will and fugitives to where they belong, the basement.

Right now I'm heading to Subway where I will ask my sandwich artist to harbor a single jalapeno in my "Veggie Delight" on Honey Oat bread.

No, not toasted but thanks for asking.

Fabulous Fitness Forum on Wednesday Night

We're going to have our next meeting on Wednesday, April 16th at 7:30pm at my house. See you there!

Update on Kevin

Some of you may remember my friend Kevin and wondered what he was doing these days. I recently communicated with his family and learned that the shy and retiring computer expert has expanded his horizons. After a brief stint with the CIA he went on to dancing with the stars and though he and Robin Williams didn't make the finals he left an indelible mark on Paula Abdul.

Have you read "The Kite Runner"?

One of my literary mentors suggested "The Kite Runner". Any insights?

You want Swing? You can't handle Swing!

The Carpenters.

Louis Prima and Keely Smith.

The Yin and Yang of Music.

Compare "Close to You" with "That Old Black Magic". Oooh baby.

Ah, the Limerick

"My Kevin"

There once was a big boy named Kevin,

whose Sister and he were just seven.

He smiled so bright,

He was Grandpa's delight.

When you hugged him it felt just like heaven.

"My Natalie"

There once was a girl with a smile

As wide as a cute Crocodile.

Natalie was her name,

A missing tooth was her fame.

But her heart was as big as a mile.

Poet Tree-Haiku

Today is an homage to the Haiku.

Three lines.
Five syllables.
Seven syllables.
Five syllables.

"General Conference 2008"

April brings new life

Promises of Spring, hope, peace

And a new prophet

Much appreciation to Rebecca for her contribution:

I once got a Hiaku published in the fifth grade.

"Birds sing endlessly

My heart dances to the tune

While I am silent"

I remember writing it and thinking about the hiaku movie we were shown wiht all this water dripping on leaves and stuff, and I tried to get really deep even though I was really only in 5th grade and if I'd been honest wiht my poem it would have read somthing like this:

"Josh is super cute

Someday I will marry him

He'd sure be lucky"

I knew the teacher liked the birds bit better, and boy did she. I think Josh might have been a little impressed as well becaue I think he threw rocks at me on the way home from school that day. My mom told me that was flirting. I totally loved it when he threw rocks at me after that.

Poet Tree-trochaic monometer

We're introducing a new segment on the show that we like to call the Poet Tree. There is a weather worn little tree just down the road from my office between the railroad tracks and Traffic Avenue; just South of the Hwy 410 westbound onramp. In the warm summers of my early forties I would sit beneath it's shade and read poetry. Browning, Dickinson, Nash, Poe, Smith, McConkie, Hinckley, Isaiah and Longfellow would sit with me and we would share our deepest thoughts and our sanity would be restored.

I invite my new friends to share their favorite poems, original or not.

Today is "trochaic monometer" day.

"Lines on the Antiquity of Microbes"

by Strickland Gillilan (1869-1954)

Adopted title: "Fleas"

-

Adam

Had'em

-

Note the single meter in each line (monometer) and the two syallable meter with the emphasis on the first syllable (trochee). Mr. Gillilan is credited with the world's shortest couplet. As the definitions of poetic form do not include one syllable poems my offering does not qualify to compete though it is short.

"The Dieter's Delight"

by Paul W. Bryan

Adopted title: "Fifty Two Stout"

-

It

Fit

-

Here kitty, kitty.

I love cats, really,,,,,,,


especially with fettucini noodles.

That's my patient's story-sort of

A patient came in today announcing that her son is now 6 foot 3 and a half inches tall and is still growing. She then referenced an uncle who was 6 foot 10 inches when he died.

Being a smarty pants I asked, "How tall was he before he died?"

She didn't miss a beat....

"Oh he was only 5 foot 4 but then there was that nasty steam roller incident."

Goodbye Earl?????

What can I say? I have five daughters. There have been many Earl's in my life.

Typewriterering

In the old days our typewriters were manual and it took great fortitude to type out a term paper. Diane did all of mine.

I followed in my Dad's footsteps and took typing in high school. My Dad's claim to fame was his perfectionism. He was the slowest typer in class but the teacher always remarked, "And Albert had another perfect paper."

Key jams what they were I was only ever able to master 20 words per minute.